Are you aware of your inner dialogue? I ask, because we all have one, and it can have a powerful effect on mood. We clarify what’s happening, make plans, daydream, sometimes express regret, sometimes practice upcoming encounters, and we do so more or less continuously. Little wonder, then, that well over half of the people I interviewed told me that they use self-talk to help regulate their anxiety.
But self-talk doesn’t always work. Jane, a retired school teacher, told me that when the world situation gets her down, her first choice coping strategy is to give herself ‘a firm pep talk’. Sometimes, she added, that works really well–even better than her other favourite strategies of practicing Mindfulness or reading a good book. But at other times, her pep talk doesn’t help at all–and it has on occasion made her feel even worse.
Why should this be? When Jane and I looked carefully at the different things she tells herself, the answer was clear. When she says, ‘this is something I can sort out,’ she said she feels better straight away. But when she tries to reassure; to remind herself that ‘things could be a lot worse’, she said she then feels helpless and gloomy.
This pattern was evident across respondents of all ages. Tom, a 12-year-old student, told me that if he says something like, ‘the sooner this is over, the better’, he doesn’t feel safer or less anxious at all. But when he offers himself reassurances such as, ‘it’s going to be ok’, he cheers up straight away.
Positive self talk is used extensively in cognitive behaviour therapy, but experience has taught us therapists that the words must be chosen with great care. Psychological studies have shown that humans attend much more quickly and with greater focus to negative than to positive words and phrases. In terms of survival, this is sensible! If we’re about to cross a road and we hear a rapidly approaching car, it’s life-saving to react to the roaring engine rather than to focus on a bird singing overhead or to someone humming a tune nearby. But when when we’re not in any actual danger–in other words, when our worries are scaring us rather than what’s actually happening around us–then feeling threatened causes needless distress.
Nor does it help to tell yourself ‘there’s nothing frightening out there’, or that ‘things aren’t as bad as they seem’. Even though such statements are meant to reassure, the mind–primed to avoid danger–hears only ‘frightening’ and ‘bad’, and ignores the qualifiers ‘nothing’ and aren’t’ and immediately puts the body on high alert.
This Month’s Takeaway
Self-talk is a powerful antidote to anxiety and distress–feel free to use it whenever you’re feeling anxious. But even if you qualify them, avoid including any negative words.
Mary Poppins was right. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens are much better things to think about than dogs that bite or bees that sting.