When I asked respondents to identify the coping strategy they used most often, can you guess what it was?
Most people’s first thought when they’re feeling anxious is to seek the company of someone they like and trust. That’s what made the lockdowns so hard to bear–we were constantly on edge because we were told about a danger that no one fully understood, but at the same time we were denied the chance to release our anxiety by talking in through in the presence of someone else. That’s also why our dependence on online communication is now a habit that’s so hard to break. During lockdowns, online communication was effectively our only way to socialise, and as a result, to feel a bit better–no wonder it’s often our first go-to.
If we compare ourselves to other creatures, it’s easy to understand why socialising lifts mood so effectively. Humans spend relatively more of their lives dependent on the care of others than does any other creature. As babies we’re completely helpless, save for attracting attention by crying, and it takes years of care for us to learn the skills needed for independence. Of course there are individual differences with regard to how many other people each of us feels comfortable socialising with and how often it feels good to meet up. But being with others, each in our way, is key to lifting mood and helping us feel safe.
However, although socialising was the most common strategy my respondents mentioned, they didn’t always regard it as the most effective. To discover why, I took a closer look at the data.
My first hunch was that what people talk about when they get together is what determines the amount of relief they feel. If they talk endlessly about their worries, I thought, they won’t feel better.
Wrong. Anna, a 24-year-old accountant, put it well when she explained that talking through her worries with friends allows her to let go of her fear. And realising that others share similar concerns, she added, helps her feel more normal.
Perhaps, then, who we meet with is what matters. Surely, someone we hardly know can’t help us feel better as well as a friend can?
Wrong again. Even just offering a stranger on the street a smile and a friendly ‘hello’ is enough to lift your mood–and theirs–significantly.
There were, however, two factors that did matter. First, face to face encounters have a more powerful positive effect on mood than do online exchanges. True, online video contact can feel almost as effective as face to face encounters. On the other hand, emails and texts rarely lift the mood of either sender or receiver, This is probably because we rely more than we realise on non-verbal cues–body language–to establish a positive connection when we’re talking to another person.
The second factor is whether we focus fully on what other people say, or only half listen. James, a 57-year-old personal trainer, put it well when he said that listening, simply listening, to someone else talk about what matters to them makes him feel calm. That’s because, he explained, when he thinks about them he stops thinking about himself. And the best thing, he added, is when together they find something that makes them both laugh (more about the power of laughter in another post).
This Month’s Takeaway
Social connections are the most powerful way of all to lift mood and relieve anxiety. Even a friendly hello to someone you may not know can help. With friends, try to meet face to face whenever you can. And when you’re talking to someone, do them the honour of giving them your full attention.